I want to SCREAM!!!!

I hate this, I hate being sick. I hate everything around me!!
Oh please, don't make me hate myself because I'm capable of hating myself even worst.
I don't like this at all. Help me.

I told lie when I said I erased my bad memories, the truth is I keep it inside.
It hurt me even more, day by day. When time passed, I lost in the dark again.
Whenever light found me, I keep getting away from it. Hiding my pathetic self in the dark place.

I'm at lost. And I'm sorry.
I kept forgetting that I'm not good.
I don't want to be part of anything because I'm not good??

Everything is pouring out, all the bad things, bad memories, embarrassment..
Why... I don't want to recall everything that I want to forget.
I cried, and cried but still not managed to produce a sound...
because I'm handling myself, don't to be weak, you're better than this, Allah doesn't want you to cry and ignore the life you're in. I keep telling myself.

Unfortunately, it hurt me deeper.
Because it's all my fault.
These scars make me scared to face my tomorrow. These scars are cursed with my own foolishness.
I just want to cry, can I??
This will be better right? I deserved better right??
I seek for YOUR forgiveness again.
I'm sorry.