Guilty?? no... it just unfair.

One of the things that I easily affected is friendship. I can't stand if a friend hurt me, everyone is like that but still I can't avoid this pain of losing a friend in which I think I deserved a better explanation of what this is all about. Of course somehow the situation and event make it worst, unfortunately it was not fully my fault isn't it?

I am a good friend. I care but it is not fair if I can't make my own decision on when and how I need to show my care. It was unfair and still is unfair.

My selfish statement can be some sort like this;
"I have my own life, I have presentations, I have assignments, I have personal problems, I have a lot of difficulties and I am sick.... how can these are not enough to explain the action I took?!"

"I care about you... but my family's hope is something that I care the most, I have other friends that I need to be concern about too..."

"I'm selfish.... I had headache and I slept with no worries....because I knew, people will treat you really well, I'm not needed"

"Can I not be beside you all the time, just for you to survive and grow stronger.... I am nothing compared to your family, they are important, much more important.... so my help was little, even I'm standing and sitting beside you all the time, it's still the same, I still encounter the same... and later will it be the same too?? Please... make it different"

ME...

what am I to you actually, a toy, a doll, a companion, a unfortunate friend, a guilty one, a bad and selfish person.... or nothing.... am I nothing too you?? How can you treat me this way?

How could you to put the whole blame on me.
How sad I be.

Do you ever care about my feeling? Do I need to care about yours only??
Am I that selfish?
I just feel that you are too a selfish person. We are equal in different way.

I don't want to apologize because I did nothing wrong, I don't deserved your forgiveness also, I don't want it. Keep it for yourself, forgive yourself first and then later I hope you can forgive others excluded me, I am just a bad friend to you anyway.

Last:
Friendship is to forget and forgive, I am being like you nowadays, all the things happened between us make it hard for me even to forgive myself and you. Its keep surfacing whenever possible, I can't forget, I want to forget.... I get mad easily now, because I keep remembering the same things again and again. I'm getting worst.

forget.forgive.forget.forgive....
It's hard.
Thank you for being a friend with a 'selfish' person like me. Time passed, the old me dies within.